Jokes

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plummy
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Re: Jokes

Post by plummy »

Nice one Peter (although its 28 years in my case 8-[ )
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Re: Jokes

Post by Grobi »

So I take it that she isn't on the forum? :lol:
Athletes row, others just play games

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Re: Jokes

Post by JonathanA »

Grobi wrote:So I take it that she isn't on the forum? :lol:
Omnipresent surely. I guess we'll not hear from plummy for a day or two.
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Re: Jokes

Post by plummy »

8-[ (well, it was nice knowing you guys.....)
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Re: Jokes

Post by stumpy »

Yep RIP Dave :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Paul Victory »

Big mistake. Big, big mistake. :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by billwright »

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on. The news team were covering a story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet you he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a £20 note on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, But willingly handed her £20 to Bob.

"Fair's fair she said, Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money.. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied,
"I did too, But I didn't think he'd do it again." :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Scoop »

Oh, go on then. Since you insist ... :roll:

We had friends round the other day and my wife told me to fetch the photos of me doing something stupid when I was drunk.

How was I supposed to know she didn't mean our wedding album?

***

Feeling quite confident now I've booked a table for our wedding anniversary.

She's rubbish at snooker.

***

Headline in the local paper:- "Fire discovered in Grantham."

At this rate we'll be getting electricity soon.

***

Wife : "Can you get some bleach and washing powder while you're out?"

Me : "Can't you wait until you've opened your birthday presents?"

***

When mine broke I borrowed a lawnmower off my next door neighbour.

Unfortunately he works for Wonga and I now owe him seven hundred lawnmowers.

***

Tough game for Manchester City on Sunday.

Football.

***

In a Welcome Break service station the other day with my wife. We had two ham rolls and two coffees.

When I got to the till I said to the cashier "Sorry, I've only got a £50."

"That's OK", she replied. "Just put the ham rolls back.
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Re: Jokes

Post by strider77 »

Scoop wrote:
Tough game for Manchester City on Sunday.

Football.
That'll teach you :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Scoop »

strider77 wrote:
Scoop wrote:
Tough game for Manchester City on Sunday.

Football.
That'll teach you :lol:
I stand by my original joke 8)

***

Joe Hart refuses to stay in the 5 star hotel with the rest of the Man City team.

Apparently he can't stand clean sheets.
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Re: Jokes

Post by billwright »

:lol: :lol:

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant in Glasgow last night...

"Did you smell that food?" she asked... "Incredible!"

Being the 'Kind Hearted Scotsman', he thought,.............

"What the heck, I'll treat her!"

... So they walked past it again...


Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away
or is that just one of grannies myths?
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Re: Jokes

Post by webberg »

Lifted from a show by Reginald D Hunter - with apologies

I'm going to ask the audience a questions. I'm going to ask the ladies first and the men second.

Imagine a couple who have been together for a few years and are very happy. They have a trusting and fulfilling relationship on every level from the physical to the emotional. They are each other's best friend and share all their hopes and dreams. They are two people as one.

One morning the guy comes home from work and rather sheepishly approaches his partner.

"Darling" he says "you know I love you and I've thought long and hard about about having this conversation because I fear that it could introduce some poison into our relationship, but I have to do it. I hope that you will not be offended or upset but I must speak with you about my brother"

Intrigued, the lady assures him that whatever he has to say will not alter her position.

"Well" he say "you know that my brother has been divorced for a while now and that he has been rebuilding his confidence slowly and carefully in so far as getting back to the dating game? the time has come when he wants to begin a new relationship but he's really worried that the physical side is going to be a disappointment as he's not been with anybody for such a while. I don't really want to ask you if you would perhaps spend an evening with him and perhaps help him with that issue? Obviously please say no if you're offended or outraged and we'll just forget the whole thing!!"

Now ladies, a question - be honest.

In this situation, irrespective of your thoughts about whether to have an evening with the brother, how many of you would feel flattered or honoured or content that your man, your perfect partner, had the confidence in your relationship to even advance the question?




I'm guessing that perhaps half of the ladies in the audience said that they would be flattered.




Now Gentlemen, your partner comes to you and ..... How many men are already voting "yes" in their heads - be honest.













So you partner comes to you and says "Husband of mine, you know my brother has been through his divorce..... :fsbgrin:
Uphill to the finish

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Re: Jokes

Post by Paul Victory »

Resetting The Password


"Sorry, your password has been in use for 30 days and has expired you must register a new one."

roses

“Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."

1prettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."

1fuckingprettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."

1FUCKINGprettyrose

"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."

1FuckingPrettyRose

"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."

1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow!

"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."

1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow

Sorry, that password is already in use."
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Re: Jokes

Post by billwright »

A Royal Marine from Plymouth is skydiving over Stonehouse Barracks enjoying his free-fall. When he reaches the altitude where he must open his parachute, he pulls on the rip cord but nothing happens.

"No problem," he says to himself, "I still have my emergency chute."

So he pulls the emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the Marine begins to panic.

"What am I going to do?" he thinks, "It's curtains for me!"

Just then he sees a Royal Marine Chef flying up from the barracks toward him. He can't figure out why this Chef is coming up towards him, or what he's doing, but he thinks to himself,

"Maybe he can help me."

When the Chef gets close enough to him, the Marine swallows his pride, cups his hands and shouts down,

"Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?"

The flying Chef replies, "No! Do you know anything about gas ovens?"
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Re: Jokes

Post by paulgould »

How does a blind sky-diver know when he is close to the ground?

The leash goes slack.

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Re: Jokes

Post by billwright »

French Breathalyser Test

Allegedly, a true story - reported by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a
breathalyser test.

The English guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was as pis*ed as a fart...

The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies;

'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.'

'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a Corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.'

'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate downed a bottle of Johnny Walker's black label.'

Getting impatient the gendarme warns him;

'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?

The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'Do you understand that I'm English, like my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the wheel?'
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Re: Jokes

Post by webberg »

A man is waiting in an airport lounge for his delayed flight. He’s having a coffee and just watching people go by.

A very attractive young lady takes a seat near him. She is wearing very smart clothes and he thinks that she is probably working for one of the airlines.

He decides to try to start a conversation with her by finding out which airline.

He leans across and speaks the BA tag line, “To Fly To Serve”.

She looks at him a bit blank.

Ok he thinks, I’ll try another “Making the Sky the best place on earth” he says to her (Air France).

She looks hard at him and shuffles away slightly.

One more try he thinks – a bit off the wall.

“The world is our home, you are our Guest” (Etihad)

She turns in some annoyance.

“What the f**k are you doing” she says.

Ah, he thinks – “EASYJET”
Uphill to the finish

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Re: Jokes

Post by Thomas W-P »

Nope. Ryanair.

(As someone who lives near Stansted)
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Re: Jokes

Post by strider77 »

Talking of Ryanair, here's what happened when Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair' went for a pint in Dublin.......

Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of
draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro
please, Mr. O’Leary."

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over
his money.

"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the
barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening
from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"

"That is remarkable value" Michael comments

"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours.
That will be 3 Euros please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 Euros. -
You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you one Euro."

"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this
frame please"

Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in
he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of 4 Euros
for your seat sir"

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your
laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked
either, that will be another 3 Euros."

O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on
the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the
manager".

"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will
be 2 Euros please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.

"Do you know who I am?"

"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"

"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink
and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10
every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free,
until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cents per second"

"I will never use this bar again"

"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Paul Victory »

:lol: :lol: :lol: I know that joke seems like a somewhat exaggerated version of the Ryanair experience, but my recent experience suggests otherwise. Spoiler alert, this is a rant, not a joke.

I got an email last night from Ryanair. I had a flight booked to Faro at 11:15 a.m. on Sunday, April 6th and the email tells me that the time of the flight had been changed to 8 p.m., arriving in Faro at 11 p.m.

It gave me a link to claim a refund and I followed the instructions, filled in all the details and submitted the form. All I got was an error message. Tried a second time with the same result. Then I clicked on the customer service link they gave and got through to a menu where flight refund was one of the options. I clicked on this and filled in all the details and submitted the form. I got an error message saying I needed to fill in my name and contact number, which I had already done. So I filled them in again - same result. Went back out and relaunched the website and tried again. Same result.

Went onto a local forum and asked what I should do next. I was told that I would have to ring customer service to get it resolved. And guess what - it's a premium rate phone line!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Thomas W-P »

That *is* a joke! That's the Ryanair of my experience. Awful. But living near Stansted you have little option if you want to use your local airport. I never pay the early boarding fee as it is usually half the plane so what's the point? Anyway, back to jokes to cheer us up after poor Paul's experience:

http://www.theguardian.com/science/2013 ... rite-jokes cheered me up last year, this was my favourite:
Ewan Birney, associate director, European Bioinformatics Institute wrote:A group of wealthy investors wanted to be able to predict the outcome of a horse race. So they hired a group of biologists, a group of statisticians, and a group of physicists. Each group was given a year to research the issue. After one year, the groups all reported to the investors. The biologists said that they could genetically engineer an unbeatable racehorse, but it would take 200 years and $100bn. The statisticians reported next. They said that they could predict the outcome of any race, at a cost of $100m per race, and they would only be right 10% of the time. Finally, the physicists reported that they could also predict the outcome of any race, and that their process was cheap and simple. The investors listened eagerly to this proposal. The head physicist reported, "We have made several simplifying assumptions: first, let each horse be a perfect rolling sphere…
But this one is short and not so sweet:
Amoret Whitaker, entomologist, Natural History Museum wrote:A blowfly goes into a bar and asks: "Is that stool taken?"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Paul Victory »

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.
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Re: Jokes

Post by plummy »

..and if you are unlucky enough for your birthday to fall on Christmas day it's only once every 12 months!
61 yrs old, 81kg, 5' 10"
43Mm metres rowed. Re-setting the bar much lower now. Getting too old and brittle for this malarky
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Re: Jokes

Post by plummy »

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.
61 yrs old, 81kg, 5' 10"
43Mm metres rowed. Re-setting the bar much lower now. Getting too old and brittle for this malarky
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Re: Jokes

Post by Grobi »

Nice one Dave!

Here's another one:

What's the difference between England and a tea bag?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

Sorry guys :mrgreen:
Athletes row, others just play games

Peter

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