Jokes

[Wolfmiester]

Don't worry Jill, they made me laugh. As a fan of Tim Vine, they are right up my street.

[Jill]

Thank you Steve.

There are of course, a lot more from where they came from - I bought Richard the book ( The Uxbridge English Dictionary ) for Christmas last year.

It's very lonely here in the Naughty Corner: nobody visits, nobody phones, nobody writes.

[Paul Victory]

OK, Jill. You can come out of the corner now - I'm sure you've learned your lesson!

[Peter_S]

OK, Jill. You can come out of the corner now - I'm sure you've learned your lesson!

Paul, you sat with Jill in the dotty room, and you still make such a claim!

[Jill]

OK, Jill. You can come out of the corner now - I'm sure you've learned your lesson!

Yes I have.

For breaching the rules of Forum Decorum ... I must do less of this and more of this =D> ...

[JonT]

I feel so down. My Dad died last week for the want of a blood transfusion. Nobody knew his blood group and so nothing could be done. His last words were "Be positive". I'm trying so hard, but it's tough with him gone.

[CamiCrew]

Jill are you still sitting in the naughty corner? If so, I suggest you make room for Jon.

Jon -- that was positively awful!!

[JonT]

Jill are you still sitting in the naughty corner? If so, I suggest you make room for Jon.

Jon -- that was positively awful!!

A bit dark maybe?

[Jill]

Jill are you still sitting in the naughty corner? If so, I suggest you make room for Jon.

Jon -- that was positively awful!!

Barbara, there's good news and there's bad news ...

The good news: I have been out on parole since May 15th, which means there is plenty of room for Jon.

The bad news: I am about to break my parole ( your fault entirely, as you are a very bad influence on me ) and someone has to keep Jon company.

More from the Uxbridge English Dictionary:

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Dandelion: A fashionably dressed big cat.
Oboe: A french tramp.
Pasteurised: Too far to see.
Protein: In favour of youth.
Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose. ( Might have to be a Cockney to understand this one )

I know, this time you'll be throwing the key away.

A bit dark maybe?

More bad news Jon. I haven't paid the electricity bill. Please bring your credit card with you.

[Grobi]

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[Paul Victory]

[Grobi]

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

"Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

[plummy]

- good one!

[Jill]

Thank you Peter - sometimes, we ladies love to have the ' last laugh '.

[Grobi]

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[Grobi]

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"We do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "We have the cheapest beer in England".

"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.

"I see you don't have a glass, you'll need one of ours. That will be £3 please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.

"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. If you'd pre-booked it would have cost £1."

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.

"I see you've brought your laptop" added the barman. "That wasn't pre-booked either, that's another £3."

O'Leary was so incensed and his face was red with rage.
"I've had enough! I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday. Calls are free, unless answered, then there is a charge of only £1 per second".

"I will never use this bar again".

"OK but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."

[Grobi]

Theresa May is stepping down on June 7th.

So the first week of June is now the last week of May.

[Wolfmiester]

Humorous? Yes, nice play on words.
But ultimately very sad.

[Grobi]

High street shopping vs. online shopping:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PrwQ-guwvfs

[Draggon]

Quite relateable nowadays...

[Draggon]

Peter's YouTube link reminded me of this parody song I just discovered a couple of days ago:

https://youtu.be/IABRgZH12YA

Our social-media-centric lives parodied to Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody. It's quite clever "in my opinion"...

[CamiCrew]

Those are both great, glad I popped in

[Grobi]

Here‘s another one:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9ogvhhgJxyg

[Ian Bee]

A little boy asks his dad "Where does poo come from?"
His father is taken aback by the question but decides to give his son the facts straight up.

"Well son," he says, "food passes down the esophagus by peristalsis. It enters the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal. This contracts the protein before waste enters the colon. Water is absorbed, whereupon it enters the rectum finally to emerge as poo."

"Wow," says the boy. "So where does Tigger come from?"

[Paul Victory]

Bono and The Edge walk into a bar. The barman looks up and says not U2 again.