Jokes

[dr3do]

[FACE WITH TEARS OF JOY]

[Grobi]

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[Paul Victory]

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Love it! Serves him right!

[zootMutant]

Love it! Serves him right!

That was an offal food pun, Paul.

[CamiCrew]

No Peter.

Try another. A good one this time. .

[Jill]

Yes Peter, the joke was a ' grave mistake ' and should have been ' buried ' long ago.

[Peter_S]

You guys are killing me!

[Jill]

You guys are killing me!

Don't worry Peter, you'll be fine ... Unless you start ' coffin '...

[zootMutant]

A rabbi, a farmer's daughter, and a dog walk into a bar...

The bartender looks up and says, "What? Is this a joke?"

[Grobi]

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and so she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."

[CamiCrew]

So not funny.

[Grobi]

Men and women might have a fundamentally different opinion on this one

[plummy]

Men and women might have a fundamentally different opinion on this one

Yep - I thought it was funny

[CamiCrew]

I did too. I just like to cause Peter trouble.

[Jill]

Men and women might have a fundamentally different opinion on this one

Yep - I thought it was funny

So not funny.

I did too. I just like to cause Peter trouble.

Oh dear Peter. Now look what you've started.

Q. What makes a man think about dinner by candlelight?
A. A power cut.

[CamiCrew]

Jill - now that's very funny!

Especially because the scene last weekend was me, crawling up in the attic on rafters, in 1/2 inch of dust, expecting giant spiders to grab me at any moment, watching out for the nails about to spear me in the head, and searching for leaky spots in the roof. (Finally, the rain.) Jack, meanwhile, was supervising from the top of the ladder. Then he says "honey, since you're up there, could you replace all the attic lightbulbs with LEDs?

My only comment was "how many husbands does it take to change a lightbulb?" He replied "NONE if your wife is already crawling in the attic!"

[Ian Bee]

Man 1: "Do you go all the way on the first date?"
Man 2: "No, but I once went half way on the second banana"

[zootMutant]

My only comment was "how many husbands does it take to change a lightbulb?" He replied "NONE if your wife is already crawling in the attic!"

[Grobi]

I did too. I just like to cause Peter trouble.

I saw that!

[CamiCrew]

Tonight before dinner Jack was chatting with Siri (I know, don't ask ) and she actually came up with a good one. Reminded me of Zoot's, above.

The past, present and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.

[Jill]

Tonight before dinner Jack was chatting with Siri (I know, don't ask ) and she actually came up with a good one. Reminded me of Zoot's, above.

The past, present and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.

=D>

Barbara, don’t you just ‘ lurve ‘ puns.

For the last 40 odd years, Richard and I have listened to a very popular, BBC Radio 4 comedy quiz programme, called I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue - ( also billed as The Antidote To Panel Games ).

It’s ‘ kinda ‘ silly …

One of the most popular rounds is called The Uxbridge English Dictionary - the English language is constantly changing ( apparently ) and the panellists have to think of words that could have new or alternative definitions.

Here are a few entries - not exactly puns but still a play on words.

Algorithm - Former Vice President on drums
Allocate - How to greet the Duchess of Cambridge - Think Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins
Aperitif - Cockney Dentures - Think Dick Van Dyke ...

Biro - To purchase fish eggs
Bulletin - I’ve been shot

Carpentry - A way in for ornamental fish
Chiropractice - Getting ready to go to Egypt

Dreadlocks - A fear of canals
Dynamite - To take a flea out to lunch

Exchequer - Someone who counts the kisses on an email
Eyeliner - A big ship made by Apple

Forebear - Look out, there’s a bear on the golf course
Founder member - The result of rummaging in your boxer shorts - Okay, I’ll go and sit on the ‘ naughty step ‘.

Huggermugger - One step up from Hug a Hoodie - H a H was a request attributed to David Cameron when he suggested that young criminals who wore them were misunderstood.

Humanitarian - Someone who only eats people

Jigsaw - Chafing that affects the cast of Riverdance

Robot - An occupational disease of oarsmen
Rumania - A worrying over-fondness for kangaroos

Satire - Seated in a more elevated position
Suffragette - Ryanair

Tendentious - Five pictures of false teeth
Terpsichorean - Kim-Jong-un’s paintbrush cleaner

Unfettered - Without Greek cheese

Winnebago - A horse with a bad back

Enough!

[CamiCrew]

Jill all of those are groaners but I take particular issue with "robot"

[Jill]

Jill all of those are groaners but I take particular issue with "robot"

I'll get my coat ...

[Paul Victory]

Seriously, Jill? Go and stand in the naughty corner!

[Jill]

Seriously, Jill? Go and stand in the naughty corner!

Okay Gov. It's a ' fair cop '.

Mmmm ... Hang on ... Having read all the entries on this thread ... I'm not the only one who should be standing in the naughty corner ...