Jokes

[billwright]

The Chinese Limerick thread seems to have slowed down somewhat. How about a Jokes thread?

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half
an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything -
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."

[plummy]

We have a jokes and funny stories thread buried away somewhere.....

[Wolfmiester]

I had a phone call yesterday from Yorkshire. They asked me what my availability was to run a football team in Sheffield.
I said I could manage Wednesday ...

[webberg]

A Greek, a Spaniard and an Italian meet for a drink in the bar.

Who paid?

The Germans.

(Sorry - little financial joke there).

[webberg]

The [insert minority group to be insulted but when I heard it "blonde"] was distraught at the breakfast table.

Finally in frustration she calls he boyfriend.

"I just can't do this nasty jigsaw" she cries

"What is it ?" he asks

"A tiger" she wails

"Just wait there, I'll be over"

A few minutyes later, said boyfriend walks in, surveys the scene.

He says" Don't worry love, you go and get ready and I'll clear away the Frosties".

(For our non UK cousins, Frosties are a breakfast cereal from Kellogs that have a tiger as their brand).

[andy walls]

A little boy runs home from school and says to his dad that he had got a part in the school play. Seeing how excited his son was dad says "what part have you got son", the son replies "I'm playing the part of a married man"

"never mind" replies dad, "you might get a talking part next year"

[Mike Channin]

At the risk of restarting the Tommy Cooper lines thread which amused Bangers many years ago:

Patient: "Doctor, doctor - it hurts when I do this"
Doctor: "Well don't do it then"

(actually this seems to be the NHS policy these days, but this is supposed to be funny not political, eh Graham )

[Mike Channin]

Oh, and I have to follow that up with:

Man walks into a bar...
"Ouch!" he says....


Just like that...

[Paul Victory]

While on that topic; A horse walks into a bar. "Why the long face?" asks the barman.

[Wolfmiester]

Patient - "Doctor, I keep losing my bearings, what should I do?"
Doctor - "Get lost".

[Paul Victory]

Patient - "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a paid of curtains, what should I do?"
Doctor - "Pull yourself together, man."

[billwright]

MOD cut backs in Afghanistan:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-SmfybCbsY

[Daffy]

Lol!

[hewitt]

When i went to the petrol station this morning i noticed that guy from the Fantastic 4 "Torch".I tried to get his signature but he was rolling around on the floor screaming.

[Yambo]

This pure white horse walks into a bar. The barman says "Wow, I named my pub after you!"

The horse said "What, Eric?"

[Paul Victory]

When i went to the petrol station this morning i noticed that guy from the Fantastic 4 "Torch".I tried to get his signature but he was rolling around on the floor screaming.

[hewitt]

Little Johnny was admitted to hospital today with 6 toy horses jammed up his backside. Doctors have described his condition as stable.

[Wolfmiester]

Little Johnny was admitted to hospital today with 6 toy horses jammed up his backside. Doctors have described his condition as stable.

[hewitt]

This letter was sent to the Kirkcaldy High School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for pensioners.
An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today.


Dear Kirkcaldy High School ,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Old Age Pensioners luncheon.
I am 87 years old and live at the Raith home for Elderly Ladies. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone.
I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My room-mate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it.
She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a dozen pieces.
It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed to have the chance to tell her to f*ck off.
Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Yours sincerely,
Ella

[billwright]

My wife and I went to the Royal Kent Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ... Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week! ...You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ...You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

[hewitt]

I like it Bill.
But i wont show my wife.

[Grobi]

The mayor of a greek town visited an italian town where he had diner with the italian mayor. The Italian had a wonderful house and the Greek asked him how he could afford it, given his income.

The Italian pointed out of the window and asked "Do you see the bridge over there? The EC gave me money to build a two-lane bridge. We reduced it to one lane, installed a traffic light, and I could afford the house".

The following year the Italian visited the Greek and was astonished about his wonderful house incl. golden water-taps, floors of marble and a nice collection of supercars in the garage. Of course the Italian asked his colleague how he had managed that.

The Greek asked him: "Do you see the bridge over there?"

"No"

[webberg]

WARNING - SEXIST JOKE - DO NOT READ IF EASILY OFFENDED








A wife was looking in her wardrobe for something to wear for the upcoming 50th wedding anniversary when she spotted the nightwear she wore on her wedding night. In a frenzy of nostalgia she threw on the negligee and went downstairs to find her husband reading the paper.

"Darling" she said "Do you remeber this?"

"Yes" he replied, "It's the nightie you wore on our wedding night"

Delighted, she pressed on "And do you remember what you said that night?"

"Yes I do" he said. "I said that I would suck the life out of your boobs and make love to you until your brains fell out"

"Well" she purred, "what do you say now?"

He put his paper down, looked at her carefully

"mission accomplished"

[hewitt]

As the dog sat watching the orchestra, he stared at the conductor and thought..

"Just throw the fucking thing."

[stumpy]

=D> as a none dog lover that made me laugh.