Jokes

[Scoop]

No return would be complete without ...

I got in touch with my inner self today.

That's the last time I buy Smartprice toilet roll.

***

Today, I decided to give my wife a taste of her own medicine.

I took her round 12 different pubs then went back to the very first one to buy a pint

***

I'm sick of people who say I get all of my geographical knowledge of England from football.

Especially the ones who live in Sheffield Wednesday.

***

I was shocked to find out my girlfriend is a hooker.

She looks more like a Fly Half.

***

This all is part of my master plan. I'm not planning to leave Free Spirits. I'm planning to get kicked out

[Paul Victory]

I must be very thick today, but I don't get the second joke. Is it something to do with 12 months in a year?

The others are funny though.

[Stan]

Its to do with the fact women tend to go to about 12 shops looking for something to buy, before returning to the first to buy the first thing they looked at.

I want it made very clear that I did not make up this joke

[millie]

I must be very thick today, but I don't get the second joke. Is it something to do with 12 months in a year?

Being female, I got this joke straight away

Scoop - thanks for making me laugh

[Paul Victory]

I must be very fortunate. My wife never drags me around loads of shops when she's looking to buy something. Maybe it's because I'm too heavy to drag anywhere or maybe after 34 years of marriage she's aware of my low tolerance level for shopping and she tries to make the experience as painless as possible.

[Scoop]

Nice to see a discussion on the Jokes thread. Having owned 2 wedding dress shops, I can promise you that ladies do like to go to lots of different shops. Some are also incapable of buying one single item unless they have 300 to choose from.

Millie, I'm glad I gave you a laugh. My jokes mostly raise groans.

Here are some more 'groans' for you :

Today David Cameron was delighted to announce that the UK economy has been saved.

Apparently BP has discovered ten trillion Nectar Points in the North Sea.

***

I've recently decided to freeze myself to -273ºC.

My wife thinks I'll die, but I think I'll be 0K. (Stan will explain this joke to anyone who wishes)

***

I have an evil master plan.

I'm going to drill a huge hole through the Moon and thread a massive piece of string through it.

Then I will finally be able to conker the World.

***

In the Commons today Theresa May was delighted to announce that she finally has the grounds to extradite Abu Qatada, after he was found guilty of the worst crime in Britain.

Speaking in front of a packed House, she reported, "Up until now, nothing he has done has been serious enough. But yesterday Police were horrified to discover that his wheelie bin was full and the lid wasn't quite closed."

[Grobi]

My wife told me she would leave me because of my addiction to poker. I'm sure she's only bluffing.

[Wolfmiester]

Very good Peter.

But top marks again to Laurence.
The conker joke had me laughing out loud.
Amazingly my school boy O level Chemistry has lasted over 30 years and I got the freezing joke too .
Don't waste them Scoop!

[billwright]

MISTRANSLATED TRAVEL BROCHURES & HOTEL SIGNS

GETTING THERE: Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

THE HOTEL: This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have their babies in the bar. We organise social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with himself.

THE RESTAURANT: Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

YOUR ROOM: Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

ABOVE ALL: When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it".

IN A TOKYO HOTEL: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read this.

IN A BUCHAREST HOTEL LOBBY: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

IN A LEIPZIG ELEVATOR: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

IN A BELGRADE HOTEL ELEVATOR: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

IN A PARIS HOTEL ELEVATOR: Please leave your values at the front desk.

IN A HOTEL IN ATHENS: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.

IN A YUGOSLAVIAN HOTEL: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

IN A JAPANESE HOTEL: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

IN THE LOBBY OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ACROSS FROM A RUSSIAN ORTHODOX MONASTERY: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursdays.

IN AN AUSTRIAN HOTEL CATERING TO SKIERS: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

ON THE MENU OF A SWISS RESTAURANT: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

ON THE MENU OF A POLISH HOTEL: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

OUTSIDE A HONG KONG TAILOR SHOP: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

IN A BANGKOK DRY CLEANER'S: Drop your trousers here for best results.

OUTSIDE A PARIS DRESS SHOP: Dresses for street walking.

IN A RHODES TAILOR SHOP: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

[Paul Victory]

The first one is great, but far too good to be for real. Very clever though!

[Scoop]

Thanks Steve.

Very good Bill and very believable. I remember Victor Borge used to do a sketch along the same lines. One of his was "There is a french widow in every bedroom".

***

I had a leak in my dining room roof so I called a plumber to take a look at it.
"When did you first notice the leak?" he asked.
"Last night" I said, "when it took me two hours to finish my soup"

***

Shouldn't the Air and Space museum be empty?

***

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don’t.

***

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, then he will fix it. There's no need to remind him every six months about it.

***

After an exhausting journey to the airport, I finally managed to get on board and slump into my seat.

I was already half asleep when a man came up to me.

"I'm sorry but you're in my seat."

"Oh, for heavens sake mate. I'm shattered. Get another seat."

"No, I really do need this seat" he insisted.

"Please. I need to rest. Just ask them for another seat" I moaned.

"ALRIGHT. WELL YOU FLY THE BLOODY PLANE THEN!"

***

I'm hoping my FS membership cancellation is imminent

[Paul Victory]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don’t.

=D> =D>

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, then he will fix it. There's no need to remind him every six months about it.

[Paul Victory]

I've recently decided to freeze myself to -273ºC.

My wife thinks I'll die, but I think I'll be 0K. (Stan will explain this joke to anyone who wishes)

OK. I know that -273ºC is absolute zero (although I thought it was - 273.15 or -273.16, but nobody likes a pedant) and, as far I can recall it's also 0ºK (Kelvin?).

But I still don't understand the punchline.

[Stan]

You nearly wrote it Paul 0K (zero kelvin abbreviation of ohkay)

[Paul Victory]

Thanks Stan. Talk about missing the nose in front of my face. It was the º that confused me.

[Mike Channin]

Scoop - you have made me laugh out loud (and get a funny look!). (Fortunately my wife does _not_ shop like the joke, but it describes my mother to a tee, except there would be more trips back and forth). Also loved Bill's holiday quotes and Peters poker one. Now all we need is Bangers and the Tommy Cooper jokes

[Thomas W-P]

It was the º that confused me.

No degree symbol on kelvin... Its an absolute scale. (sorry, physics teacher hat on).

My favourite in the recent horse meat scandal is this:

"Should I be concerned about the piece of beef in my horseradish sauce?"

[Scoop]

A shop assistant dared to ask me why I needed twenty pots of Tipp-Ex this morning.

Big mistake.

***

I used to live on the 13th floor and have now moved up to the 14th floor

But that's another storey.

***

These Americans obviously don't understand the rules.

That was quite clearly a forward pass by the scrum-half.

***

"Doctor, doctor, I've got problems with my hearing."

"What are the symptoms?"

"They're those yellow people on TV."

***

Surely these jokes are bad enough to get me evicted from the club? Please?

[Wolfmiester]

No, I think that they are the main reason for wanting you here!

[Scoop]

No, I think that they are the main reason for wanting you here!

Ah. So it's not going to work then I'll have to resort to Plan B - Spraying Free Spirits with Lynx Africa during the Grimsby Mile

***

My Father gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.

I couldn't find the words to thank him.

***

I got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist.

I regretted it literally one minute later.

***

From now on Take a Break magazine has decided to publish only two types of article.

1) Why all men are disgusting pigs

2) How to attract men

***

It really kicked off at Madchester last year. Jason and I got into a huge argument.

He said "I'm going to mop the floor with your face!"

"You'll be sorry" I replied.

"Oh yeah? Why?"

"Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

***

I don't understand my wife. She says she wants a husband who is funny and spontaneous.

And yet when I knocked on the kitchen window late last night dressed as a clown it was all hysterics and screaming.

***

Go on. Admit it. You want me GONE [-o<

[Stan]

sit stay
good boy

[Scoop]

sit stay
good boy

Woof

And a couple I forgot from earlier.

***

The word stifle is an anagram of itself. (Think about it)

***

I opened a can of coke this morning and it said, "Sorry, you didn't win".

I was disappointed. I didn't even realise I was playing.

***

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a fabric tunnel, onto a little seesaw and then jump through a hoop of fire.

They're trained for that.

***

I came home from the pub four hours late last night. My wife was furious.

"Where have you been?" she screamed.

I said, "I've been playing poker with some blokes."

"Playing poker with some blokes?" she repeated. "Well, you can pack your bags and go!"

"So can you" I said. "This isn't our house anymore."

***

Surely the pressure is becoming unbearable now. Someone's bound to delete my account soon (Actually, as a mod, I could maybe do it myself )

[billwright]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold
beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some
deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a
guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have
come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and
here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might
be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I
would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

[Wolfmiester]

chortle chortle

[Thomas W-P]

I'm in my last week of full time science teaching. I got so cross with one pupil I threw potassium chloride at him. It was assault.