Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post by Scoop »

Nice one Den :lol:

A traveling salesman goes to a hotel late in the night and asks the receptionist for a single room. While he is waiting he looks around and sees a stunning blonde seated in the lobby. He tells the receptionist to excuse him for a moment and heads to the lobby. He is back in a minute with the blonde on his arm.

"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the receptionist. "It looks like we'll need a double room after all."

Next morning, when Jim comes to settle his bill, he finds the amount to be £3200. "What is this?" he shouts at the receptionist. I've only been here for one night!"

"Yes Sir," says the receptionist, "but your wife has been here for 4 weeks."
Laurence M 50 116.2kg 6'5" Started 17 Jan 2009
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Fall down seven times, get up eight. Japanese Proverb.
'Tis not the eating, nor 'tis not the drinking that is to be blamed, but the excess. John Seldon
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Re: Jokes

Post by Scoop »

To liven up a trip to the public toilets why not lock yourself in the stall, stand in front of the toilet with a grapefruit held high above your head, grunt and strain loudly for thirty seconds, drop the grapefruit into the toilet bowl and then sigh relaxingly.


The Dalai Lama went to McDonalds. "I would like a Big Mac please."

The assistant gives him one and says, "£2.99 please."

The Dalai Lama hands him a £5 note, and waits for the assistant to give him the change. But the assistant seems to be ignoring him.

The Dalai Lama finally asks, "Where's my change?"

The assistant replies, "Change only comes from within."
Laurence M 50 116.2kg 6'5" Started 17 Jan 2009
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Fall down seven times, get up eight. Japanese Proverb.
'Tis not the eating, nor 'tis not the drinking that is to be blamed, but the excess. John Seldon
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Re: Jokes

Post by billwright »

Two IRISH MEN were looking at a
Mail order catalogue and admiring the models.

One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?'
The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful.
And look at the price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes,
'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back.
'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.'

Three weeks later,
The youngest redneck IRISHMAN asks his friend,
'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the catalogue?'
The second IRISHMAN replies......

'No, but it shouldn't be long now.
She sent all her clothes yesterday'
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Re: Jokes

Post by Scoop »

Very nice Bill :lol: (and here was me steering away from Irish jokes :roll: )

I now have conclusive proof that my wife hates me. She's changed the computer password to the date of our anniversary.

I shouted through to her and said "Babe. Have you been using Microsoft Word?"

"Yes" she said, "How can you tell?"

"You've put Tippex on the screen again."

***

I went to see Alfie Boe last week. Front row seats, but he is so miserable. He hates it when you join in.
Laurence M 50 116.2kg 6'5" Started 17 Jan 2009
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Fall down seven times, get up eight. Japanese Proverb.
'Tis not the eating, nor 'tis not the drinking that is to be blamed, but the excess. John Seldon
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Re: Jokes

Post by Scoop »

In the Middle East it's easy to get divorced. All you have to say is "I divorce you" three times to your wife and that's it.

In the West it's even easier. All you have to say is "Actually yes, your bum does look big in that dress."

***

I always go on my favourite website when my kids want a paddling pool or a trampoline.

Google Maps.
Laurence M 50 116.2kg 6'5" Started 17 Jan 2009
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Fall down seven times, get up eight. Japanese Proverb.
'Tis not the eating, nor 'tis not the drinking that is to be blamed, but the excess. John Seldon
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Re: Jokes

Post by webberg »

I'm against hunting. In fact, I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Scoop »

Very good Graham :lol: There's probably a degree of truth in that somewhere :?:


The Olympics have completely changed the perception of Britain on the world stage.

Two weeks ago everyone thought we were rubbish at sport but great at music.

***

Our own Bill Wright was in the elite fighting force the Royal Marines and he remembers an incident where as a raw recruit he was called over by a Captain.

Captain "I didn't see you in camouflage class today Private Wright."

Bill. "Thank you very much Sir!"

***

Times are hard. I was going upstairs for a shave yesterday when my wife said "Have you got a good memory for faces?"

"Why?" I asked.

"Because I've sold the bathroom mirror."


The last two were Frank Carson. "It's the way I type 'em" :wink:
Laurence M 50 116.2kg 6'5" Started 17 Jan 2009
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Fall down seven times, get up eight. Japanese Proverb.
'Tis not the eating, nor 'tis not the drinking that is to be blamed, but the excess. John Seldon
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Re: Jokes

Post by Wolfmiester »

very good as ever Lawrence :-)
I have aslo been inspired by the Olympics.
I so much enjoyed watching the passion, endeavour and determination that I've sold my bike and bought a bigger tv!
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Re: Jokes

Post by zootMutant »

Some people can sit around all day and watch other people work. Not me. When I see other people working I feel an overwhelming urge to jump right in and start telling them what to do!

Can't remember... that was either Mark Twain or Jerome K. Jerome.
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Re: Jokes

Post by billwright »

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ......... And then I saw her face......

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Redhead matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk... unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful sods. All I said was, 'Hurry up for goodness sake ........... Some of us have got homes to go to!'
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Re: Jokes

Post by Scoop »

Great jokes folks =D> =D> :fsbgrin:

Zoot definitely Mark Twain.

Bill - love the Sally Army and the budgie joke :lol: (and the Monkees joke :D )

Steve - shouldn't that read "I've sold my erg ..." :D [-o<

***

I said to the wife "Pack your bags. I've won the lottery."

She said "What should I pack? Something warm and light? Where are we going?"

I said "We're going nowhere. Just pack your bags and leave!"

***

My wife has discovered a fantastic way to get rid of 250lb of unsightly fat in an instant.

She wants to divorce me :( :lol:

***

An elderly British gentleman arrives at Roissy airport in Paris.

On arriving at passport control he gets flustered and struggles to find his passport in his bag.

The french customs official gets irate.

"Come, come, Monsieur. What is the problem? You know you have to show your passport when you enter La France. You 'ave been to France before?"

"Yes, yes I have" says the old man quietly.

"And you 'ad to show your passport, non?"

"Well, it's a strange thing." the old man replies. "The last time I came to France I landed on Sword beach, and for some reason I couldn't find any frenchmen to show my passport to."
Laurence M 50 116.2kg 6'5" Started 17 Jan 2009
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Fall down seven times, get up eight. Japanese Proverb.
'Tis not the eating, nor 'tis not the drinking that is to be blamed, but the excess. John Seldon
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Re: Jokes

Post by billwright »

DONATIONS FOR PARLIAMENT

A driver Is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway just outside London,

Nothing Is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the car window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the members of parliament and they're asking for a £100 million ransom!

Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving? " the driver asks...............





"Roughly a gallon." :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by billwright »

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down, and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles. :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by JonathanA »

:lol: :lol:
Some great jokes here guys.

I'm not sure who decides, but the top ten jokes from this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival are judged to have been:

1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "
3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."
6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."
8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."
10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Grobi »

Husband: "Darling, what would you do if I won the lottery?"

Wife: "I'd take half of it and leave you"

Husband: "Ok, here are 10€, and now get off!"
Athletes row, others just play games

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Re: Jokes

Post by Scoop »

Hey! Brilliant =D> Some good jokes appearing.


A businessman walks into a Recruitment Agency.
"We're looking for an accountant", he says.
"That's strange?" replies the consultant. "Didn't we find you a new accountant last week?
"Yes," replies the businessman. "That's the one we're looking for."

***


A primary school teacher is talking to her class. "I want someone to give me a sentence with the word 'Brilliant' in it twice"

Little Mary says "My father bought my brilliant mother a brilliant dress"

"Very good Mary" say the teacher

Little Jack says "My mother made a brilliant meal for our brilliant family"

"Well done Jack."

Then Little Johnny speaks up. "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said 'Brilliant, just brilliant!"

***

My Grandfather suffered with dreadful arthritis so my Grandma rubbed goose fat into his back and his bum.

He went downhill pretty quickly after that.
Laurence M 50 116.2kg 6'5" Started 17 Jan 2009
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Fall down seven times, get up eight. Japanese Proverb.
'Tis not the eating, nor 'tis not the drinking that is to be blamed, but the excess. John Seldon
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Re: Jokes

Post by Thomas W-P »

Sitting here glumly resting my bruised leg and this thread cheered me up no end. The Amazon reviews nearly killed me.

This was my favourite joke from the top 100
http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-enter ... 69963.html

27 "Fifty Shades of Grey; the new Farrow and Ball Catalogue. Or so my wife assures me that's what it is." Simon Evans, Pleasance Courtyard
51 yrs - A cyclist these days
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Re: Jokes

Post by Scoop »

Hope your leg is better soon Thomas.


I have an important job finalizing deals at the transfer window.

I work in the Drive-In at McDonalds.

***

I tried to go to the toilet on a train today.

I nearly fell off the bridge.

***

At last, something interesting from my local Amateur Dramatic Society - an evening of Triple X Roman plays. So I went along.

It was just thirty short plays.

***

My computer is brilliant at at chess.

But it's useless at kickboxing.

***

Well, it is Tuesday morning after the Bank Holiday :(
Laurence M 50 116.2kg 6'5" Started 17 Jan 2009
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Fall down seven times, get up eight. Japanese Proverb.
'Tis not the eating, nor 'tis not the drinking that is to be blamed, but the excess. John Seldon
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Re: Jokes

Post by Scoop »

I told my wife I wanted a spa day for my birthday.

She gave it to me yesterday. Apparently it's pronounced 'spade'.

***

Women who claim that there is nothing more painful than childbirth have obviously never trodden on a plug in the middle of the night.

***


I've patented a device which ensures that drivers keep to speed limits, brake smoothly and go round corners slowly.

It's an over-filled carrier bag of Chinese takeaway on the passenger seat

***

Although my brother and I did work together on inventing the rear-view mirror, we're not as close as we appear.

***

Are you still sure you're missing me? :twisted:
Laurence M 50 116.2kg 6'5" Started 17 Jan 2009
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Fall down seven times, get up eight. Japanese Proverb.
'Tis not the eating, nor 'tis not the drinking that is to be blamed, but the excess. John Seldon
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Re: Jokes

Post by stumpy »

Well maybe not after those. :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Mat »

Love them Laurence - great to see no change in standards during your absence :wink: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Paul Victory »

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

Local Police are hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours. They believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
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Re: Jokes

Post by zootMutant »

:lol: :lol: Very good, Paul.
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Re: Jokes

Post by plummy »

I was on a plane to Switzerland with my wife.

Halfway through the flight, a man jumped out of his seat and pulled out a gun.

"This is a hijack!" he screamed. "If anyone makes a move, I'll kill 'em!"

My wife held my hand for comfort. I looked into her eyes, smiled, and then pushed her into the aisle.

The hijacker shot her in the head, before being wrestled to the ground by a couple of passengers.

Everyone on the plane looked at me in disbelief at what I had just done.

I said, "Before you ask, we were on our way to the Dignitas clinic for an assisted suicide, so I did us all a favour."

After a few moments silence, an air hostess said, "Well... I suppose her suffering is over now. Was she in a lot of pain?"

"No, she was fine," I replied. "I'm the one who's dying. I just wanted one last laugh before I go."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Paul Victory »

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The Parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious And laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions.. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did ?"

HAPPY CHRISTMAS
M 68 6'1" 124kg (May05), 92kg (Feb06), 122kg (Aug10), 95kg (Sep11), 117kg (Jun13), now 98kg
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