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billwright
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Re: Jokes

Post by billwright » Sat May 11, 2013 8:23 am

Some crackers there Scoop. :lol: :lol: It's the way he tells 'em! :lol:

Bill :fswink: :fswink:
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Re: Jokes

Post by billwright » Mon May 13, 2013 2:46 pm

I don't care if these are real or not, I nearly wet myself. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you Censored me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Bill :fswink: :fswink:
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Re: Jokes

Post by zootMutant » Mon May 13, 2013 4:16 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: These are great Bill!

Oral. :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by billwright » Tue May 14, 2013 8:05 am

Very funny - especially the last 3 seconds. :lol:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xjNGX52 ... ata_player
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Re: Jokes

Post by billwright » Thu May 16, 2013 12:33 pm

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of senior citizens up to London on the motorway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again ....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth.' she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?' The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
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Re: Jokes

Post by Scoop » Mon May 20, 2013 11:24 pm

Very good Bill :lol: =D> The attorney jokes are priceless and I nearly barfed at the chocolate peanut joke :? :lol:

Erging is out of the window at the moment as I recently melted the rail and stretched the chain on a very fast 500 and C2 can't get me any replacement parts for 18 months (hopefully) 8)

So here are some jokes to cheer me up (but you're welcome to read them too) :

Two scientists go into a bar (we'll call them X and Y)

X: "I'll have a glass of H2O."

Y: "I'll have a glass of H2O too."

Then they sit down.

Y: "How's your drink?"

X: It's a bit plain and tasteless actually."

Y: "Well try mine. It's rocket fuel!" :lol: :lol: :lol: =D> =D> =D> (D'you get it? Oh well. Stan will.)

***

We cleared out my gran's flat this morning, sorted out the good stuff and put it on eBay, and then went to the estate agents to put her flat on the market.

She'll be well cheesed off when she gets back from the bingo.

***

Are daytime TV phone-in competitions too easy?

A - Wayne Rooney
B - Yes
C - Eastenders

***

I was standing on the bathroom scales yesterday, desperately sucking my stomach in.

"That won't help" said my wife.

"Yes it will" I replied. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

***

Apparently, people who talk to their cats are sad and lonely individuals.

My dog's full of useful information like that.

***

This evening my wife arrived home with her hazard lights on.

So that's full marks for honesty.

***

Do you remember those two terrible Winters we had?

Mike and Bernie.

***
I remember our first night together. Twenty years, but it seems like only yesterday.

"You haven't removed many bras have you?" my future wife sighed.

"What gave it away?" I asked.

"The scissors mainly."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Paul Victory » Thu May 23, 2013 10:31 pm

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''

A roll of black tarmac walks into a bar and orders a pint. A few minutes later, a roll of red tarmac walks in. The black tarmac turns to the barman and says "Don't serve him. He's a cyclepath".

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry, we don't serve food in here''

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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Re: Jokes

Post by webberg » Fri May 24, 2013 12:39 pm

In my defence, my wife is blonde and she sent these to me. I've cut out a few of the more offensive.

What did the blond say when she opened up a box of Cherios?
Oh look, little donut seeds.

Doctor (using a stethoscope): "Big breaths."
Blond: Yeth. And I'm not even thickteen yet

What do you call a blond with a high IQ?
A golden retriever.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9.
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Re: Jokes

Post by billwright » Wed May 29, 2013 7:53 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Dog Cat Diary.PNG
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Re: Jokes

Post by Stan » Fri May 31, 2013 7:09 pm

Brilliant Bill - loved that one!
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Re: Jokes

Post by zootMutant » Fri May 31, 2013 8:08 pm

Oops. Didn't scroll over to read the cat's diary. Very good.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Paul Victory » Sat Jun 01, 2013 12:56 am

Just arrived home from 5 days in Alvor and the welcome we got from our labrador Molly reminded me so much of your joke Bill. Keep them coming!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Scoop » Sun Jun 02, 2013 1:30 pm

How true and funny that is Bill :lol: One of our cats loathes me apart from when I have a pouch of catfood in my hand at which point I become a living God.

Graham - nothing like living dangerously. I'd be in prison now if I'd published that lot :lol:

***

"Fish and chips please." I said to the school receptionist.

"I think you're probably in the wrong place." she said

"No, I'm just here to pick up Bob Geldoff's children."

***

I think Michael Owen deserves a pat on the back at the end of his football career.

But not too hard, he might get injured again.

***

Pie is on offer at Morrisons.

3.141592654 for 2

***

My wife arrived at work with my briefcase yesterday.

"Where would you men be without us women?" she said proudly.

"Probably still in the Garden of Eden." I replied.

***

If I ever win the lottery, all of my neighbours are going to be so rich!

I'm going to move to a rich neighbourhood.

***

I went to a German Restaurant the other day. Not a pleasant experience.

The starter was sauerkraut, and it was dreadful.

But the wurst was yet to come ...

(Peter this is a joke :D It only works because 'wurst' is the German word for sausage and it sounds like 'worst' in English.)

***

My wife treats me like a God.

She never speaks to me unless she wants something.

***

There are lots of disappointed children in Scotland.

Apparently all the parents think Disneyland is a Kamikaze pilot.

***

"How would you describe me Darling?"

"Well, if ASDA Smartprice Tramp-Strength lager did wives ..."

***

Don't worry. I'm scraping the barrel now so you'll soon be out of your misery 8)
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Re: Jokes

Post by billwright » Sun Jun 02, 2013 4:14 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

One of me ancestors, a certain Colorado Will went out to seek his fortune on the frontier of the old West. He finally settled on a sheep ranching town near the very edge of civilisation called Eebaargum. So near, in fact, that there weren't any women to be found for love nor money.

Well, he was young and full of hormones, and after a month, he started getting randy, so he went to the saloon to ask around. After a couple of sort of nervous, whispered conversations, it comes out that you're supposed to use the sheep.

Well, Colorado Will weren't real happy about this, but he was growing real desperate. He bought a bottle to nerve himself up. He then went and found the nearest flock, and decided that if he's going to do this at all, he's going to do it right.
He spent most of that afternoon picking out the prettiest sheep in the flock..
He shampooed her wool and tied ribbons around her neck. Put a little bell on her collar. He also got pretty drunk.
By evening, he'd done cleaning up the sheep, and not thinking real clearly.
He was so proud of the way the sheep looked, he decided to take her in to town and show her off at the saloon.

He walked in with the sheep, and the room went deathly quiet. Everybody's staring at the guy. And not just staring, but kinda recoiling in shock and horror.
He's ashamed, but he was drunk enough;
He mumbled out "Whassamada?, I thought ever'body went out to the sheep?"
Finally, one old timer piped up.
"Yeah, boy, but you got the sheriff's girl!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by billwright » Sun Jun 02, 2013 4:20 pm

An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on.

The punk rocker's mohawk is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings. When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says,

"What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?"

The old guy says in reply "Yeah. One time I screwed a peacock. I thought maybe you were my kid!

:lol: :lol:

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.

:lol: :lol:

Moving on...............

Isn't it strange how hot sexy women always drive cute little cars?

Which reminds me, the MOT's due on the wife's Transit Van.

:lol: :lol:

I'll get me coat then!
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Re: Jokes

Post by billwright » Mon Jun 03, 2013 7:57 am

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Re: Jokes

Post by Scoop » Thu Jun 20, 2013 10:37 am

I love the Sad cat diary Bill :lol: So much so that I wrote this.

Human Owner Manual for Cats

1. If you sit and stare at a door for long enough, it will eventually open itself.

2. Your owner will feed you far more quickly if you meow at him at regular three second intervals while he wrestles with his knackered can opener.

3. Your owner’s hand is dual purpose. It serves to give you squirming enjoyment through stroking and can then be instantly transformed into a soft practice hunting target to be bitten and clawed violently until it retreats in agony.

4. As soon as fresh cat litter arrives it must be scratched and flicked in an even pattern extending 3 yards around the litter tray.

5. A stolen chicken carcass should never be eaten all in the same place. It should be dragged at regular intervals during consumption leaving a trail of bones and flesh through the dining room, up the stairs, along the landing and into the bathroom.

6. You will probably have about fifteen ‘beds’ in your owner’s house but if you are a black cat your preferred sleeping place should be on top of a black jumper on the floor of a darkened bedroom.

7. Whatever your owner is eating is much better than the food he has just given you. Show your disdain for smoked salmon by staring at him with unflinching hatred for at least ten minutes while he tries to enjoy his egg on toast.

8. If your owner calls you over for a stroke then walk purposefully towards him before swerving away at the last second as you carry out your more important mission of leaping onto the window sill and looking at the birds on the lawn.

9. If your owner tries a new catfood on you then wolf down the sample packet with purring enthusiasm before going on hunger strike as soon as he has been out and bought a box of twenty packets of it.

10. In spite of yourself you may occasionally find that you want to treat your owner by doing an inspection walk round his lap before finally settling down for a snooze and a stroke. This should only happen thirty seconds before the nice man from India phones about your owner’s PPI.

Why do we have them?
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Re: Jokes

Post by zootMutant » Thu Jun 20, 2013 3:30 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: My wife and I loved this...

Our cat, however, was not amused.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Paul Victory » Thu Jun 20, 2013 6:52 pm

zootMutant wrote::lol: :lol: :lol: My wife and I loved this...

Our cat, however, was not amused.
Even if he was amused, he would hardly deign to admit it.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Stan » Sat Jun 22, 2013 9:34 am

He certainly wouldn't like you giving away trade secrets :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by billwright » Wed Jul 31, 2013 5:44 pm

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Re: Jokes

Post by strider77 » Thu Aug 01, 2013 3:36 pm

Thats amazing Bill, how the heck does he do that ?
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Re: Jokes

Post by webberg » Tue Aug 06, 2013 2:06 pm

A woman went to the doctor who told her she only had 6 months to live.
"Oh my God!" said the woman. "What shall I do?"
"Marry an accountant," suggested the doctor.
"Why?" asked the woman. "Will that make me live longer?"
"No," replied the doctor. "But it will SEEM longer."

The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient.

"This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart."

The patient is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?"

"One was a teacher and the other was an accountant."

"I'll take the accountant's heart," says the patient. "I want one that hasn't been used."

Q: How do you save a drowning accountant?
A: Take your foot off their head.
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Re: Jokes

Post by JonathanA » Tue Aug 20, 2013 1:15 pm

TOP 10 FUNNIEST JOKES FROM THE FRINGE FESTIVAL 2013:

• 1. Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

• 2. Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."

• 3. Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."

• 4. Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."

• 5. Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."

• 6. Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."

• 7. Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."

• 8. Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."

• 9. Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."

• 10. Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Grobi » Wed Sep 04, 2013 9:05 am

Scoop wrote: I went to a German Restaurant the other day. Not a pleasant experience.

The starter was sauerkraut, and it was dreadful.

But the wurst was yet to come ...

(Peter this is a joke :D It only works because 'wurst' is the German word for sausage and it sounds like 'worst' in English.)
Don't worry Laurence, I understood that one :fswink: By the way, I hate Sauerkraut.

Here's another one:

The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is,they all run out except this one old man. So the devil walks up to him and says" Do you know who I am?" and the old man sips his beer and answers "yep". The Devil says "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks over and says" I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you."
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