Jokes

[webberg]

The Doctor at the surgery wanted to go fishing but had a responsibility to his patients.

Eventually he decided that eh would ask his willing but not very bright assistant to hold the fort for the day.

"Listen" he said to [insert name here depending on who you want to insult] this doctoring business is simple. Just listen and hand out pills and potions and all will be fine.

"Got it" says [insert name here]

The following day the Doctor comes back to find [insert name here] beaming with pride.

"How did it go" he wonders?

"Well, [insert name here] says. First I had Roger rush in and say he had a terrible headache and needed somnething. I gave him aspirin and said go home and go to bed"

"Excellent says Doctor.

"Then we had Mary rush in and say she had an upset tummy" I gave her Gaviscon and sent her home to bed.

Excellent again!

Then {insert name says] you remember Roxanne, the gorgeous and ravishing model who's been away on assignment for magazines for years?
yes of course says Doctior

Well she rushes in and throws herself on the bed and tears off all her clothes.

Help me please [inset name here] she cries, I've not seen a man in 5 years and I'm desperate.

Good heavens say doctor, what did you do (reaching for his insurance policy)

Simple says [insert name here]

I gave her some eye drops!

[Scoop]

Thought I'd revive this thread.

My wife and daughter are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing. They're both at the gate now .... AND THEY'RE OFF!!

Been to the funeral of a friend today who was killed when a tennis ball hit him on the head. It was a lovely service.

[Paul Victory]

I changed my i Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down .

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I wondered why the cricket ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure .

[Wolfmiester]

I like both sets (Scoop's and Paul's).
I went to see Stewart Francis last Sunday, I think he nicked Paul's script!

[Scoop]

I like Paul's too, especially the brake fluid one

Wife texts husband : "Windows frozen"
Husband texts wife : "Pour some warm water on it"
Wife texts back : "Computer's ruined now"

[Paul Victory]

Wife texts husband : "Windows frozen"
Husband texts wife : "Pour some warm water on it"
Wife texts back : "Computer's ruined now"

I love it!

[webberg]

Just been on the holiday of a lifetime - never again!

[Scoop]

Just been on the holiday of a lifetime - never again!

Definitely a thinking man's joke, Graham

Wife was cooking my breakfast this morning when I heard a crash from the kitchen. Went in to find her unconscious on the floor and fried food everywhere. I started to panic. What should I do?

And then I suddenly remembered - Tesco do an all day breakfast for £3.99

[commodoreann]

oooouuughhh!!!!

Ann

[Scoop]

oooouuughhh!!!!

That's the problem with jokes Ann - they're open to misinterpretation.

But I promise you when I showed my wife this joke, she laughed more than I did

Here's something less controversial (and less funny)

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"

1st customer: "I'll have tea."

2nd customer: "Me, too. And make sure the cup is clean!"

(Waiter exits, returns)

Waiter: "Two teas. Which one wanted the clean cup?"

[billwright]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a great huge, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[Paul Victory]

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

[Scoop]

Bill and Paul.

Beautiful weather this week.

I was sat outside yesterday evening with the wife having a glass of wine.

Suddenly she murmured "I love you. I don't know how I could ever live without you."

I smiled happily and reached over for her hand.

"That's lovely sweetheart. But is that you talking, or the wine?"

She looked confused for a second and then said

"That was me talking .... to the wine."

[Paul Victory]

Wine improves with age. The older I get, the more I like it.

[Scoop]

Wine improves with age. The older I get, the more I like it.

And my wife has an apron that says 'I love cooking with wine. I sometimes even put it in the food.'

Sleepy village in Middle England. Nigel is awakened by a noise and looks out of his window to see a burglar in his shed. He quickly phones the Police and is told that nobody is available but that an officer will be sent tomorrow to take a statement.

Nigel thinks for a moment, then call the Police back :

"Don't worry about sending an Officer tomorrow. I've shot the burglar" he says, and then hangs up.

Within four minutes 6 squad cars, a helicopter, an armed response unit, a paramedic and an ambulance arrive at Nigel's house. Police rush to the shed and arrest the burglar. Officer in charge turns angrily to Nigel and says

"I thought you said you'd shot the burglar?"

Nigel replies

"I thought you said you had nobody available."

[Scoop]

This made me smile

efc.png (168.38 KiB) Viewed 2638 times

[plummy]

Shamelessly plucked off facebook just now - thanks Bartman:

How do you tell the difference between a New Zealand Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?
Answer: First - Lets pose the following question:

You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.
You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

NEW ZEALAND POLICE OFFICER:
Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
4) Am I dressed provocatively?
5) Could I run away?
6) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
7) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
8 ) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
9) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? ..
13) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER: BANG!

AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 'click'....
(Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks: 'Nice grouping!)

[JonathanA]

New Zealand police officer could almost be British, except your average British bobby would have no gun!

[Scoop]

I always use my step-ladder when I'm decorating.

I don't have any contact with my real ladder these days.

[Scoop]

What have sodium atoms and Batman got in common?

"NaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNa"


"Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes as well please."

[Scoop]

Brian-who-never-stops-tryin' is looking for some work.

He knocks at the door of a mansion house and a very sophisticated lady answers.

"Do you have any odd jobs Ma'am?" Brian asks

"Why yes" she says. "You can paint the porch for me."

She disappears and returns with a can of white emulsion and a brush.

Brian sets to work and 2 hours later he knocks on the door.

"I've finished now Ma'am. Oh, and by the way, it's not a Porsche, it's a Mercedes."

[Scoop]

A primed mouse trap on top of your alarm clock is an ideal way to stop you rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

[Scoop]

Mick goes back to the Doctor.

"It's these pills you gave me Doctor. I'm not one to complain but they taste dreadful."

Doctor says "But these are suppositories Mick. You haven't been eating them have you?"

"Course I have Doc" roars Mick. "What do you think I've been doing? Shoving them up my a***?"

[Scoop]

A man phones the Samaritans one night in tears.

"It's my wife." he sobs. "She thinks I've got a licence to print money!"

The sympathetic Samaritan tries to calm him.

"Yes. I understand" she says. "And that's making your family finances difficult. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm the Director of the Royal Mint."

(This joke actually came to me when I was cleaning a bin today so it may be rubbish but it's a Scoop original )

[Wolfmiester]

Top marks Laurence =D>
There is even a pun in your explanation line!