Jokes

[Scoop]

Thanks Steve

We all have them. Those days when get get out of bed and the mirror has just become our worst enemy.

I couldn't believe it this morning. What a wreck! This was beyond just normal 'morning face'. I despair I booked an appointment with the Doctor.

Sat with the Doc and started to pour out my woes.

"Just look at me Doc. My skin looks like parchment straight out of one of the pyramids. Instead of bags under my eyes I've got holdalls. Cheeks are going South faster than Prince Andrew on a freebie. My eyes are so bloodshot I could be in a cartoon. I've seen corpses that looked healthier than me."

"I understand" said the Doctor. "But let's look at the positives."

"Which are?" I said impatiently.

"Well. There's obviously nothing wrong with your eyesight!"

[Scoop]

I poached this.

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0 and PremierLeague 7.2. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Signed:

Desperate Wife

*****

Dear Desperate Wife,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause damage, with Husband 1.0 defaulting to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files.

Be especially cautious about the HotChik virus – it’s programmed to corrupt Husband 1.0 utterly (as well as all future Husband upgrades).

DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

[webberg]

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.''

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it....

"Exit signs - they're on the way out aren't they?." "

This bloke said to me, 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

Need to say that I filched these from a favourite comic - Tim Vine.

[Scoop]

All of those made me laugh Graham Was waiting for a new joke to post here

This one's for Stan

Man United have introduced a new strip for 2013.

Black shirt, black shorts, black socks, ... and a whistle!

[Paul Victory]

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

[Scoop]

How true that is Paul

Ashley Young has just given an explanation for his penalty on Sunday night.

Apparently he was confused as he's not used to taking a penalty without diving first.

[plummy]

Not a "joke" as such but the funniest thing I have read in - forever. DO NOT click the link if easily offended (it's all text so there's no pictures to leap out at you)

http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/B000KKNQ ... tive=19450

It's a long time since I cried laughing...

[Scoop]

I read those Dave - hilarious. I've got a sneaking suspicion they were all by the same author. My view is that anyone who buys such a vanity laden product deserves all they get

A blind old lady sells bagels at a street corner in New York. Every day a gentleman comes past and puts a dollar in her tin but never takes a bagel. This goes on for 6 years.

The time comes when the old lady realises that she must speak to the man. Weeks go by and she can't pluck up the courage. But one day she hears him approaching and recognizes his footsteps. With her heart beating and her voice trembling she asks

"Are you the gentleman who comes by every day and leaves a dollar but never takes a bagel?"

A warm and kind voice replies "Yes. Yes, I am."

"I've been wanting to say something to you for a long time but it's taken me weeks to build up the courage."

"Please say it. Anything you want to" says the man.

"Well. It's just that ..... the bagels have gone up to $1.20 now."

**

It's dreadful when you feel old age creeping up on you ...

... as Catherine Zeta-Jones thinks every times she hears Michael Douglas opening the bedroom door.

[paulgould]

Not a "joke" as such but the funniest thing I have read in - forever. DO NOT click the link if easily offended (it's all text so there's no pictures to leap out at you)

http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/B000KKNQ ... tive=19450

It's a long time since I cried laughing...

Thanks for that Dave - got to be one of the funniest things ever written.
Still begs the question - How did you come across this literary gem???

Paul G

[Scoop]

Herad this on the radio driving home on Sunday.

Two teenage girls talking about iphones. One says

"I've downloaded this amazing new app."

"What does it do?"

"Well, you type someones phone number in and press call and then you can talk to them, just as if they were in the next room!"

[Scoop]

Piers Morgan interviewing David Beckham.

"So David, if you could have dinner with anyone, living or dead, then who would it be?"

David thinks for a minute and then says

"Definitely the living one."

[Scoop]

I love it here. It's like my own personal thread. I wonder if anybody ever visits it?

Here's a joke that I pinched out of Doc Lee's memoirs

During her annual checkup, a lovely young lady was asked to take her clothes off and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."

"All right," said the Doc, "I'll turn off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're ready."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"

"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

(NO LEE. IT'S A JOKE! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! YOU'RE A DOCTOR! )

[Daffy]

I love it here. It's like my own personal thread. I wonder if anybody ever visits it?

Oh yes, and I have had lots of chuckles too, thank you!

[Peter_S]

I love it here. It's like my own personal thread. I wonder if anybody ever visits it?

You mean, visits and admits it?
Peter

[JonathanA]

I love it here. It's like my own personal thread. I wonder if anybody ever visits it?

It's my favourite thread, just wish I had something funny enough to contribute.

[Scoop]

As long as someone is looking in. Most of the jokes are ones I hear or glean or remember. Very little original thought from me.

The Coalition had a village fete recently. David Cameron and Nick Clegg's stall was the most popular - a pound to play 'Pin the Blame on the Donkey'.

"How dare you break wind in front of my wife!"
"Oh I'm sorry." I didn't realise it was her turn."

[Scoop]

I really think Michael Schumacher should retire from racing. He's getting a bit too old for it now. He did the whole of the German Grand Prix with his left indicator on.


My lawyer died and went to heaven, but he wasn't very happy about it.

"There's been a mistake" he said to Saint Peter. "I'm only 52."

"That's strange" said Saint Peter. "we've got you down at 87"

"How did you work that out?"

"We added up your time sheets."

[Scoop]

After 12 months of therapy my psychiatrist said some thing that brought tears to my eyes. He said "Je ne parle pas l'anglais."

"I always keep a large selection of alcoholic beverages handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy." WC Fields

[Scoop]

My very slim wife always makes cruel jokes about my weight.

Tonight I said to her "I think you're fatist."

She said "No. I think you're fattest."

So anyway, I said to her "On Saturday, how would you like to go shopping with the girls, get some new shoes, get your hair done in a different style and then go out for a couple of bottles of Chardonnay?"

She said: "That sounds brilliant."

I said: "Good - because we’re getting divorced."

....

A Minibar is like a magic door you can open to find out how much a can of Pepsi will cost in twenty years time. Rich Hall

[Scoop]

“I took my husband to the hospital yesterday to have 17 stitches out – that’ll teach him to buy me a sewing kit for my birthday.”
– Jo Brand

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman’s voice said, ‘What the hell are you doing with your life?’”

Why is the winner of the Miss Universe competition always from Earth?

[Scoop]

You know you’re fat when you drop something and you say "Do I need that?"


I've got kleptomania but when it gets bad I take something for it.


My wife phoned me and said “I’ve got water in the carburettor.”

I said, “Where’s the car?”

She said “In the river." - Tommy Cooper

[Scoop]

I have a large collection of seashells, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. (I always use this philosophy when I'm racing against Wolfie )

Most of us have a skeleton in the cupboard. David Beckham takes his out in public.

[Paul Victory]

Most of us have a skeleton in the cupboard. David Beckham takes his out in public.

[Scoop]

Thanks Paul

When I was at University we Civil Engineering students always had a rough time. Because we designed huge bulky structures we were considered to have very little engineering finesse by electrical and mechanical engineers. I always thought this was very unfair because I've never seen a watch kill a thousand people but a bridge ... well that's different matter

The joke at the time was this. A Physicist, a Mechanical Engineer and a Civil Engineer are each given a barometer and told to measure the height of Blackpool Tower. How do they do it?

Well, the Physicist takes the atmospheric pressure at ground level with the barometer, then climbs to the top and takes it again and can get a good estimate for the height of the tower.

The Mechanical Engineer climbs to the top of the tower, drops the barometer and times how long it takes to hit the ground. By taking the wind resistance into account he (or she of course ) can easily calculate the height of the tower

And the Civil Engineer goes to the man in the ticket kiosk and says "I'll give you this barometer if you tell me how high Blackpool Tower is."

Of course this was the eighties. Now they'd just chuck the barometer in the bin and Google 'Height of Blackpool Tower.' The internet has taken all the fun out of engineering.

[Den-J]

A 95year old man goes to his doctor and says "i have fallen in love with my 18 year old blonde nurse and want to marry her, will we be able to have children?" The doc examines him and tells him while children are possible he must consider the physical aspect which may have severe consiquences and may even prove fatal. He thinks for a moment and says "ok doc i get you ....if she dies she dies"