Jokes

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billwright
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Re: Jokes

Post by billwright »

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have got disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.
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Re: Jokes

Post by stumpy »

Just what I needed Bill, :lol: thanks matey. loved that last one :fsgrin:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Grobi »

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked "How long before I can get a haircut?". The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked "How long before I can get a haircut?". The barber looked around at the shop and said "About 3 hours". The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked "How long before I can get a haircut?". The barber looked around the shop and said "About an hour only".'The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said "Hey, Bill, do me a favour, Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back".

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said,
"To your wife."
Athletes row, others just play games

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Re: Jokes

Post by billwright »

:lol: :lol: :lol:

My dad worked on the roadwork’s for twenty years before he got fired
for stealing !

At first I didn't believe it.... but when I got home all the signs were there.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Scoop »

Very good Peter :lol:

Bill - by far the best set on this thread :lol: =D>

***

Scientists were delighted this week at having isolated a brief sound which occurred immediately before the Big Bang.

The sound is proving difficult to decipher, but it appears to be something like "Oooh, boll..."

***

Dear ASDA

My item IS in the bagging area. If I was trying to steal it do you honestly think I would have scanned it in the first place?

***

An old married couple are attending church one Sunday morning when half way through the vicars sermon the wife says to the husband, "I've just let out a long, sweaty, silent fart. What should I do?"

The husband replies, "You should get a new battery in your hearing aid!"

***

CALENDAR FACT: All the seasons are named after a coiled metal product.

Except Winter and Summer.

And Autumn.

***

Twice. So good they named it twice.

***

Two friends were talking in the pub.

"How's the football going?" says one

"Not too good. I've been suspended for six months. I broke a guy's leg with a late tackle." says his friend.

"Six months? Wow, that's bad. How late was the tackle?"

"Well, he was getting into his car at the time."

***

When I was ten I went into my big sister's bedroom looking for a pencil.

Under the bed I saw a suit-case half open. My curiosity got the better off me so I opened the case.

In it was a leather mask, a leather cape, leather shorts, leather boots and a leather whip.

I couldn't believe it ...

My sister ...

... a super hero!
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Fall down seven times, get up eight. Japanese Proverb.
'Tis not the eating, nor 'tis not the drinking that is to be blamed, but the excess. John Seldon
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Re: Jokes

Post by Grobi »

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to have a little fun.
But silly Jill forgot the pill
and now they have a son!
Athletes row, others just play games

Peter

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Re: Jokes

Post by stumpy »

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...
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Re: Jokes

Post by Paul Victory »

Very good Colin. But where are the Irish cows?

Ed decided to tie the knot with his long term girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment.
His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks.
"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married I think it's time you quit golfing.
Maybe you should sell your clubs and golf cart."
Ed gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
”I wasn't!“
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Re: Jokes

Post by Stan »

Paul Victory wrote:Very good Colin. But where are the Irish cows?

Irish Corporation:
You have two cows,
you swap them for a guiness
pb times
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Re: Jokes

Post by stumpy »

and the Welsh? no don't lets go there, :lol: oh sorry their British arn't they.
Last edited by stumpy on Fri Mar 29, 2013 6:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Jokes

Post by billwright »

A Hollywood director was making a film in India. For the film, he needed to have clear blue skies, so the weather conditions were very important to him. One evening, after filming all day he saw a very old man, sitting with his legs crossed on the ground.

"It's going to rain for three days. On the fourth day, the sun will shine again," the ancient man said wisely.

The next day it rained heavily and there was no filming that day or for three days afterwards. On the morning of the fourth day, as the old man predicted, the sun was shining down and conditions were perfect for filming.

That evening, when the director was walking past, the old man said "There's going to be a big storm tomorrow".

Sure, enough, the next day there was a big storm, just as the man said.

After a week of making perfect predictions, the director decided to use the old man's wisdom and pay him to work as a weather man for the film crew. The old man agreed to tell the director what the weather was likely to do.

This worked very well for the next few weeks of filming. Every day the old man told the director what the weather would be the next day, and the director paid him well for the valuable information.

One day, however, the old man failed to arrive on the set. The next day the director sent for him and said,

"Your predictions are very important to me and to my work. I'm shooting a big scene tomorrow and I have to know what the weather is going to be like".

The old man shrugged his shoulders. "Sorry" he said "I can't help you today. My radio's broken".
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Re: Jokes

Post by Grobi »

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Athletes row, others just play games

Peter

55y, 1,89m, 85kg

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Re: Jokes

Post by Scoop »

Wow! An avalanche of jokes :D Well done FS =D>

***

Apparently men think about sex every seven seconds.

Luckily I wrote this in sex.

***

My wife and I never watch big band performances on TV.

Too much sax and violins.

***

When I die, I'd like the word 'Humble' to be written.

On my statue.

***

6:31 pm. My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with Big Brother.

***

A man is in the queue in ASDA when he sees an attractive blonde staring at him. Then she starts waving.

"Excuse me. Do I know you?" he asks.

"Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.

The man thinks back to that Summer of 1989 in Tenerife. Surely it couldn't be?

"Anna!" he cries. "I wrote to you. I phoned you. I couldn't find you! I never stopped thinking about that night at the Playa del Sol. I married someone else. Have I finally found you again Anna?"

"I'm not Anna." she replies. "I'm your son's English teacher."

***

And finally, for Thomas :D

My wife wants to call our son Kelvin.

But I've told her the chance of that is Absolute Zero.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Scoop »

At any time, my temptation to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is never more than a whim away

***

The BBC has just issued it's latest mission statement.

It is now dedicating 85% of viewing time to showing top chefs making very complicated recipes, using ingredients you don't have, utensils you've never heard of, in kitchens that are bigger than your whole house."

***

The wife will go spare when she finds out I've lost her only copy of Beethoven's Unfinished symphony.

I'll never hear the end of it.

***

Fox News:

Basil Brush has died.

***


My wife said I should stop telling jokes because my punchlines are always total rubbish.

Total rubbish.

***

My boss drove up to work in a brand new BMW yesterday.

"Wow Boss. Nice car!" I said

"Yes, not bad" he replied. And then seeing my slightly envious look he patted me on the shoulder and said "Well, keep working hard and putting in the hours and next year I'll have a bigger one."

***

And Thought for the day:

"A Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul." George Bernard Shaw
Laurence M 50 116.2kg 6'5" Started 17 Jan 2009
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Fall down seven times, get up eight. Japanese Proverb.
'Tis not the eating, nor 'tis not the drinking that is to be blamed, but the excess. John Seldon
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Re: Jokes

Post by Wolfmiester »

Great again. Where do you get them from?! (no, don't tell!! I like reading them when you post them).

"Whim away ... a whim away" ...
Wolfie

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Re: Jokes

Post by Scoop »

Thanks Steve 8)

***

According to the news, the Nigerian Foreign Minister has died.

I'm devastated. He was supposed to be sending me six million pounds tomorrow.

***

I asked my wife "What do you want for your birthday?"

"A divorce."

"I wasn't thinking of spending that much."

***

How many mystery writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and another to give it a surprising twist at the end.

***

My wife walked in tonight and started complaining that I'm always pretending to be someone I'm not.

I'm still trying to work out how she got inside the Bat Cave.

***

.... 48

.... 49

.... 50

"There! How was that?" asked my wife.

"Wonderful Sweetheart." I replied. "Now I just want to run through three-point turn again."

***

I was asking my son about his day at school.

"What did you learn today?"

"The Biology teacher told us about Pavlov's experiment. We really laughed at the thought of those stupid dogs!"

"Oh. And what else?"

"Well, then the bell rang and we all went for lunch."
Laurence M 50 116.2kg 6'5" Started 17 Jan 2009
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Fall down seven times, get up eight. Japanese Proverb.
'Tis not the eating, nor 'tis not the drinking that is to be blamed, but the excess. John Seldon
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Re: Jokes

Post by Scoop »

I was watching the football tonight but it sounded like someone had one of those stupid vuvuzelas in the stadium.

When it finished I suddenly realised that for the past hour my wife had been telling me about her day at work.

***

If I had a pound for every time someone said that I don't pay attention, then I have absolutely no idea how much I would have.

***

Anyway, the wife is still talking. Apparently she's now fed up with my football obsession.

"And another thing" she says. "I want a word about the card you gave me for my birthday."

"Well, in all fairness Babe, you haven't kept up with the housework recently, so you're lucky it was only a Yellow."

***

I've built a life-size working model of a Roman catapult.

It's disguised as a chair so it tends to throw a lot of people.

***

I read somewhere that 50 is too old to be living with your parents.

Actually, I think it was on a note in my bedroom in my Father's handwriting.

***

And Thought for the day:

"Men don't care about what's on TV. They only care about what else is on TV." Jerry Seinfeld
Laurence M 50 116.2kg 6'5" Started 17 Jan 2009
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Fall down seven times, get up eight. Japanese Proverb.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Scoop »

Someone threw an Omega 3 capsule at me today.

Fortunately I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

***

My wife has just accused me of never solving my own problems, so I wanted to ask everyone on the Forum a question.

How do I prove her wrong?

***

My wife sat down on the sofa next to me.

"Darling, I love you, I need you, I want you right now."

"Oh for goodness sake!" I replied. "Can't you see I'm watching the football. Take that phone in the kitchen."

***

Knock Knock.

"Who's there?"

"We've already been through this Buzz. Let me in."

"Sorry Neil."

***

I got injured on my first day as a barman.

I dropped a case of tonic water and I was Schwepped away.

***

The Police knocked on my door last night.

"Where were you at 10:05 last night."

"Well as it happens, my wife will confirm that at 10pm we went upstairs for a 'special cuddle'.

"That's true for ten o'clock" said my wife. "But I haven't got a clue where he was at five past ten."

***

"Better out than in." as my Dad always used to say.

He didn't last long as a heart surgeon.
Laurence M 50 116.2kg 6'5" Started 17 Jan 2009
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Fall down seven times, get up eight. Japanese Proverb.
'Tis not the eating, nor 'tis not the drinking that is to be blamed, but the excess. John Seldon
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Re: Jokes

Post by zootMutant »

Before criticizing someone, it's always best to walk a mile in their shoes...

That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away from them... and you have their shoes.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Scoop »

Nice Zoot. What size are the shoes? Cos I'm a 13 so it might be a bit painful if I start criticizing people at random :fsbgrin:

***

So Thailand has a female Prime Minister.

Or has it?

***

Every so often my bank texts me with my balance.

It's a nice feature, but I don't think adding 'LOL' at the end is necessary.

***

My wife says that I'm paranoid.

Well, she doesn't actually say it but I'm pretty sure she thinks it.

***

When I was a zookeeper I used to feed the gorillas with my trusty golf club.

It drove them bananas.

***

Latin.

Confusing schoolboys since MDCCCLXXVII

***

My wife picked me up from work on Friday. She surprised me with a romantic weekend away in Paris.

It was like a little adventure! Driving on the wrong side of the road and having people beeping their horns and swearing at us in foreign langauges.

But we did finally make it to East Midlands airport.

***

I'm fed up with all these 'fat' jokes.

Don't people realise I've already got enough on my plate?
Laurence M 50 116.2kg 6'5" Started 17 Jan 2009
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Fall down seven times, get up eight. Japanese Proverb.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Paul Victory »

Nice set Scoop. My favourite is the guy who suspects his wife thinks he's paranoid.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Paul Victory »

A horse walks into a bar. "Why the long face?" says the barman.


A blonde walked into the bar and asked the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one.
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Re: Jokes

Post by billwright »

Just been to the gym.

They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick.

It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."
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zootMutant
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Re: Jokes

Post by zootMutant »

billwright wrote:Just been to the gym.

They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick.

It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."
:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Scoop
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Re: Jokes

Post by Scoop »

Love the blond joke Paul (but it did take me a few reads to finally get it :roll: ).

My gym's got a new machine too Bill. I used it for half an hour and then I experienced fainting, hallucinations, irregular heartbeat and vomiting.

It's called an erg :fsbgrin:

***

A salesman knocks on a door and it's answered by a twelve-year-old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half-empty bottle of scotch in the other.

Horrified, the salesman stammers "Excuse me, son, but is your Mum or your Dad in?"

To which the boy replies, "Does it look like it?"

***

The Bishop of Grantham resigned this week (a true fact).

Mind you, I think he was an imposter.

I never once saw him move diagonally.

***

I started writing a novel yesterday:

A NOV

That's coming along nicely.

***

My wife does get worked up over nothing. Only yesterday I said to her,

"I don't mean to be patronising, (by the way patronising means being spoken down to...)"

***

What a stupid advert.... when stroke strikes, why wait for Face, Arms, Speech and Time?

I'd want someone to dial 999 as soon as they saw that little flame appear on my forehead.

***

Tennis star Andy Murray's girlfriend has walked out.

Apparently she's fed up that love means nothing to him.

***

When I was a kid my parents used to cover me in cream and put a cherry on my head.

It was tough being brought up in the gateau.

***

Does anyone have the owner's manual for a wife?

Mine's emitting a terrible whining noise.
Laurence M 50 116.2kg 6'5" Started 17 Jan 2009
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